The miracle of a sleeping baby

You know, there are so many things that I thought I knew before but that I really didn’t understand at a deep core level until I became a parent.  One of these things was the miracle of instantaneous family that comes with a new baby.  When I was young and single, I had a friend, C, who had a new baby.  One of the things that C told me was that she was just amazed by the fact that her baby was this whole new person that didn’t exist a year before and that when she took her baby home to meet her family, there was no question but that the baby would be accepted and loved.  Unlike a boyfriend or a new husband that you bring home to be inspected and approved, a baby was instantaneously and irrevocably part of the family without question.  At the time, I thought to myself “duh, of course.  That’s just the way it works – not really amazing, it just is.” 

And then my nephew A was born, and I thought “aha! Now I know what C was talking about.”  There was this whole new person I knew nothing about – I didn’t know his personality, his likes or dislikes, or anything about him as a person.  I just knew he was my nephew, and that was enough for me to love him.  Fast forward several years to when we brought the Cutest Thing home from China, and then I really understood.  Here was a child, born half way around the world in a place I didn’t know to people I didn’t know who had been loved and cared for by other people I didn’t know.  One day, all we knew about her was contained in a few sheets of paper and a couple of pictures - and the next day she was family.  I had done my share of reading about attachment, and I knew that it would take time – both for her to attach to us, and for us to attach to her.  And it did.  But what I didn’t expect was the seismic shift in my own heart just because of the simple act of signing a piece of paper and agreeing to be her mother.  We didn’t know her yet, we weren’t attached to her yet, and she certainly wasn’t attached to us yet – but we were family.  And that was enough.

Another thing I didn’t really get before was the joy of watching a child sleep.  The C.T. has been getting up in the middle of the night and coming into our bed with great regularity recently, which has created some sleep issues for me – but also some great opportunities to just sit and watch her sleep.  I could do it for hours.  Well – maybe not hours, but a long time, certainly.  And then this morning, as I watched her sleep, she started giggling in her sleep.  It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  I wish I could know what she was thinking, what she was dreaming about.  But of course, I can’t.  And I was just struck with awe once more that we were entrusted with this wonderful, amazing, innocent child and that we are responsible for caring for her and protecting her and giving her the knowledge and skills that she will need as an adult.  I worry about the mistakes I have made and that I know I will make in the future.  But we are none of us perfect.  All I can do is read, think, pray, and do my best to give her what she needs and deserves.  Because we are family.  And I hope it is enough.