40

And so a new decade begins.  I think my funk yesterday was useful – it made me think about my life, what I’m happy with, and what I would like to change.  Good things to be thinking about when you hit one of those milestone moments in your life.  Reflecting on how much my life has changed for the better in the last ten years helped to lift me out of the funk a little, and I started a list of what I want to do with the next year and ten years of my life.

First, in the future, I am going to plan on taking at least a week off of work during December each year.  Not all at once – just individual days here and there to give me the time to do the things I love to do during the holidays without trying to crowd them all into the already busy weekends.  I think that will reduce the holiday stress and bring my enjoyment of the holidays back to where it was ten years ago.

Second, I am going to try to forget the paperwork that is sitting in China and just try to enjoy my family as it is now.  I’ve been able to do that for the most part – but every now and again I need a reminder.

Third, I am going to try to explicitly tell people things more rather than either assuming that they can read my mind.  This is probably the hardest of my resolutions because I tend to keep things internalized a lot.  And I know I do that out of fear – fear of rejection, fear of indifference, fear of ridicule.  But the truth of the matter is that silence does not foster relationships – it kills them slowly.   And because I am afraid of saying things out loud –good or bad, my relationships with friends and family are at risk of withering on the vine.  I cannot be afraid to tell people I love them.  And the fact that I’m sitting here crying as I write this tells me that this will be both difficult and necessary.   I know that I am better at this than I was ten years ago – but it is a struggle that I must continue.

And on that cheery note, I will conclude.  Happy birthday to me!