In a funk

For some reason, I've been in a funk all morning long.  It could have something to do with the fact that today is the last day of my thirties - but I don't think so.  When I think back and compare my life now with my life ten years ago, I know that so many things are incredibly better now than they were then.

Then,  I was living in tiny apartment in a big city that had lost its glamour for me - alone and away from my family.  Now, I'm living in a house with a yard in the city of my youth, near all my family and many old and new friends. 

Then, I was in a high pressure, highly paid job that was challenging intellectually but that took all of my time and I felt unsatisfied because I was helping rich people do things I didn't really agree with.  Now, I am in a medium pressure, medium paid job that is challenging intellectually but that leaves me some free time and enables me to believe that I am actually doing good things that help the community as a whole.

Then, I had just come out of a destructive relationship with a major jerk.  Now, I'm in a happy marriage with Mr. Fabulous and have the most amazing daughter anyone could ever ask for.

No - I think my funk has more to do with the holiday season.  That is one thing that has not gotten better over the years.  Back when I was thirty and single, the holidays were very low stress.  I flew home and spent Thanksgiving and my birthday with my family.  Mom cooked nonstop and I partied like it was 1999.  For Christmas, I went to one party (my office party).  I didn't send Christmas cards.  I always took a week vacation, flew home, and spent one madcap day at the mall with my nice annual bonus.  The Christmas traditions were long established and unquestioned and comfortable.

Now - the whole season has changed.  All of the good things in my life have conspired to create chaos.  The holidays have to be doled out and rationed between in-laws and my family.  Old traditions have to be rethought and renegotiated each year.  I have new and old friends - and as a result have three Christmas parties to go to (including Mr. Fabulous's office party but not including my office party which, thankfully, is during working hours).  Everyone wants to know about the little one, so Christmas cards are a priority.  (Not that I've managed to get them out each year - or even most years.  But it's on the radar screen and a stress factor.)   This year my birthday is nowhere near Thanksgiving, so it feels a little bit lost in all the rush.  There's no time to do a party - we're just going out for dinner.  Which was at my request, but still feels a little anticlimactic.  And finally, because I'm in the early stages of the new job, I'm accumulating vacation at a glacial pace.  What's more, I'm not taking the vacation that I have accrued because I'm saving it for maternity leave for the time that the CCAA finally gets to our LID and we are able to adopt again.  Of course, at the rate the CCAA has been making matches lately, I'm starting to think that day may never come. 

I know it sounds like I'm complaining - and maybe I am a little - but I do know that everything stressful about the holiday season is either (A) because of other things in my life that are wonderful and that I wouldn't give up for the world or (B) due to things in my life that are changing and that will change in the future and give me a little breathing room.    But the fact remains that I am in a funk this morning.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.